LUNG CANCER WALK

I've never fancied myself much a "cause walker" meaning I've never walked for diabetes or the cripple or run some horrible marathon... that's not really my speed. (and you can damn well bet that's not my fathers style either- I do get this from somewhere)

But when I found out that 170,000 people this year will be diagnosed with lung cancer, and of those 160,000 will die... it seemed that Lung Cancer needed my attention.

Well, to be fair- Nikky did. She discovered this Lung Cancer research walk in Manhattan Beach, and before we knew it we were sighed up... At that time, we thought we might push mom along in the wheelchair with us.

Obviously that didn't work out.

But we did have about 20 people with us, and we raised $2165.00 AND we had hats.... so it was a pretty sweet thing!

THen afterwards, Lydia, mom's good friend had us over to her house and she cooked us a breakfast feast extrordinaire... Let me put it this way" Creme Brule French Toast.... Fuckin' A.

Plus, we got to eat off any potentially beneficial effects the walk may have had...Thank God!

It was a really nice day to be with friends, walk for a good cause, and remember mom.

Was great.

Here are some pictures if you are so inclined.

xxx

MEMORIAL SPEECHES

Several people have asked to see the speeches I made at the memorials- so here they are:

BASALT- OCTOBER 13, 2007


Dad asked me to keep it light and not to swear. I have a feeling I am going to fail at both

How does one speak about my mother?

Where do you even begin?

A friend of ours came over the morning after mom passed and thru tears she said “god, she was just so special, and I know that that’s what people say about everyone, but it’s just not true about everyone”

And mom was special. She was a different kind of mom. But I suppose all of you know this because mom was, in many ways, a mother to just about everyone in this room.

Whether it was taking care of you when you were hung over after a night on the railroad tracks, or cooking for you, or helping you decorate your first or your 20th apartment, or sending you Christmas jams, or taking you in on a holiday when you were an orphan, or just simply listening to you in that extra special quiet way only she had. There was always a seat at moms table.

Mom and Dad’s house was a HOME, to more than just the 4 of us. It was home to hundreds of us. And it was this very thing- this ability to bring you in, and disarm you with her humor, and strength and balls out honesty- that was what brought you home. And I think it's the reason there are so many of us here today. I think it is why this room is packed. My mother always welcomed in a stranger. We have, over the years become some kind of tribe, and mom was always the first to welcome “the new guy,” and greet them into our well established world. And she did so with such kindness. Having no obligation to do so, she took so many people under her wing and cared for them without hesitation. And when you had a problem she listened carefully, examined cautiously, tendered her decision and then gave you her opinion, whether you were ready for it or not. She made no apologies for being honest, or blunt or being right, and she often was right. Fuck man, she always was.

Which was a hard thing for a daughter. Mom always being right, when I wanted to wear shorts in the winter, she told me I shouldn't and she was right. She didn't stop me, and when I froze my ass off on the way to school damn if I didn't know she was right. She guided us gracefully to find our own way- steering, shaping, nurturing us along. Always with a watch full eye so if we really blew it she would be there, to pick you up, like a toy train and place you gently back on track. And if you were really a mess, she might give you a little shove to get you moving again.


I know very few people who can say that their mother is as close to their friends as they are- but my mom was: Look at Emily and Zoë, at Damaris, at Shoni, at Mimi, at Jamie, these are some of my all time closest friends, and mom somehow had a way of creating a totally separate, totally important and substantial relationship with all of them. Friendship knew no age with mom.

Probably because Mom was insane- she was totally nuts. And we loved and admired her for it.

Like the time she Pooped in a napkin at a restaurant and brought it to the table on a dare.

Or the time the a guy was mean to her friends so she went into his bathroom and peed in his Listerine bottle and then put it back on the counter.

Or, the classic- the time my mom pooped in the cat box and then asked dad to clean it out. And stood howling with Lois from the window and watched him ponder and ask… uh, I think the cat might need to go to the vet???

she was a prankster, and a hooligan and a charmer and a genius.

mom had her own vocabulary too- Claudettesse. This was reserved mostly for her animals, but we too got to share in the madness

avandazias- meant tantrum.
squinty lentil noodles is the face a cat makes when he is loving you so
muckles- the squeezable bit of cheek on a dog
hurtzocovina- that was pain
loginitas- that was poop
Tony Lopez -that was peeing your pants
and bacabas- that was the sound a milkshake makes in a glass when you tap the bottom just right

ah, I’m gonna miss that.

there is a lot to consider when considering the great force that was Claudette Carter- the mom, the friend, the cook, the decorator, the business woman, the real estate tycoon, the wife, my fathers girlfriend and the great love of his life.


of all thing she taught me- and the lessons were many, I think I take from her- her love of the irreverent and her total respect for the game of life. She was a an expert at knowing the rules and taking total delight in finding the classiest way to brake them.

And I am just so grateful to have had these precious last few months, to have been with her in health and finally in sickness. Even at the end she was still classy, graceful, elegant, present, noble, proud, powerful and irreverent. She taught us how to live BETTER And in the end, she even taught me how to die.

In the end, all we have is love, and she left us with a lot of that. There was always a place at her table for all of us, and now we leave one for her at ours.


Her absence will be an enormous presence.



LOS ANGELES- NOV 3RD 2007

I got an email the other day- from a good friend of ours who wasn’t able to make it here today. And his sentiment summed up for me something I have been feeling about mom and hadn’t been able to articulate for some time- and that is this:

“Claudette was so very good to me! I don't think anyone has been that kind to me since my mother -- in fact, strangely enough, although she was younger than I, I thought of her sometimes "in loco parentis" meaning "Claudette will know what to do..." Actually, I imagine that quite a lot of people felt the same way...”

I love that phrase "Claudette will know what to do...”

My mother was right about everything.
All the time.
It was exhausting.

Mom always knew what to do. She knew how to act, in any situation. She knew how to dress and how to decorate the world around her. She knew how to swear, and how to drive fast and not get caught. Mom understood how to work hard, but never take it all too seriously. She knew how to balance this ridiculous world that is Hollywood and keep herself and those of us around her grounded in humor and playfulness and balls out in your face honesty.

Over the past 6 months I have grown quite close with a number of mom’s friends. And getting to know so many of her wonderful friends again, I have discovered something: People loved my mother. They loved her like they loved their own mother. And that love made people almost territorial about her. And by that I mean this- mom was so open, and so available for everyone that surrounded her- that one couldn’t help but feel as thought they were being let into her innermost sanctum.

Let me put it this way: What most of us reserve for family and our very best friends- mom gave away freely to everyone.

Whether you were a co worker, or a dinner guest, or an orphan on a holiday, or a recipient of one of her many jars of Peach on Earth, or whether you simply cut her hair- mom was REAL. With EVERYONE. And EVERYONE responded to her, and appreciated her and respected her. People listened to her.

I got another email from an old friend who was one of carter’s child hood best friends and she said “when I was a kid I remember thinking that your mom was the first woman that I knew people listen to like a man. I wanted to grow up and have people listen to me like that’”

And my god who didn’t? I was speaking with Missy last night and she said that in mom’s absence she has found herself thinking- What would Claudette do? And I realize I think the same thing too- What would mom do?

But I know she taught us. And so I rely on that- because everything I know is because of her.

My mother has been my north star- my point of reference- the way with which I navagate, and although she is gone – and her absence leaves an enormous presence… it is that presence with which I know find my way.

Because mom was force. She was funny, and naughty, and kind and disciplined. So disciplined. As most of you probably know, mom spent the last several years of her life on a diet. She was always so conscious of what she put in her body, and specifically she stayed away from sugar. Even though her nickname was Cupcake- cake was NOT something she indulged in.

Until about the last month of her life… I think she felt she was making up for last time because SHE WENT FOR IT. BIG TIME.

Everyday was a different delight. Rice pudding. Tapioca. Brownies. Cupcakes. Sheet cake. Tiramisu. Fudge. Cookies. Ice cream. Smoothies. Tofutti. Trips to the stone cold creamery.

One evening she announced that tomorrow she would be wanting a Coconut Cream Pie from Dupars in Hollywood. And I’m thinking –how the hell does she even know about such a thing? I mean, this is a woman who hasn’t had any sugar of any kind in YEARS. When I explained that we were going to be alone that following day and that it might be difficult for me to run to Hollywood. She replied simply- “Send someone”

Which of course I did: Nikky in fact- went and got the pie…. Thank you Nikky.

Course, I would have done anything for her. We all would have- that’s what made us a Team.

Mom led such an extraordinary life. She reinvented herself so many times. When others couldn’t see the potential in something- Mom did. She saw the good in everything, and in everyone. But more-than that: she brought the best out in everyone she touched.

I know for me- I was the best version of myself with her in these last few months. And as heart broken as I am- I am so grateful that I had these last few months with her, to be with my mom and to redefine our relationship.

She was the queen of the remodel. And I am honored to feel as though I may have been her final project. That we all were- her final remodel was to shape us all into the Team we always had the potential to be.

She taught us how to live BETTER, And how to BE BETTER, and in the end she even taught me how to die. With grace and dignity and class and style and lots and lots of Pie.

MEMORIAL PICTURES AND FINAL MISSIVE

Hello everyone,

Well.

Here stops the Team Carter Newsletter Train.

I want to thank all of you for all your support and love over these past months. I sit now and can't believe the year we've had. Even now in the deafening silence that is mom's loss, I am bewildered how all of this could have happened.

I took this past weekend to go out to New Jersey and visit with mom's sister Lois, her Dad Joe, and her Aunt Tina. Tina taught me her family recipe for fruit cake and the legendary "cuccidati" the all time supreme Italian cookie.

The leaves were so bright and full. Yellow, Red, Orange, Brown, Green. A magnificent spread from Mom's childhood hometown... It was an important trip for me.

I am writing to say this will be my last group newsletter.

I wont be filling your inbox anymore with my monthly updates. I will keep writing, and you are welcome to come and read about us and ours at anytime. As always, we can right here.

So if you need a fix, have a look. But you will have to come to us, as we will no longer be coming to you in a mass mailing form.

I also thought I would give you all the link to the photos we have from both memorials.

Basalt Memorial

LA Memorial

As far as Team Carter goes we will be with the Fosters for Thanksgiving in Basalt. And then we are off to Mexico for Christmas and then back to Basalt for the new year.... so we will keep busy this holiday season, and as far away from all the xmas madness as possible!

I want to thank you all for reading all these months. I may never be able to articulate the real loss I feel. I may spend the rest of my life writing and never really explaining. But I need you all to know, how much it has helped me to know that you were all reading. Both as a friend, a writer and a girl whose mother was dying in front of her- your support has been epic.

As much as I have kept all of you together as a unified front, reading, staying abreast- being apart of this journey- It is I that was kept together by these emails: Catharsis realized.

And so I want to say thank you. For reading, for supporting, and most of all for loving my mother. I remember everyday how magical she was... everyday a little more. And I am consistently in awe of the magic she held, and spread around her- in her life and in you: all of her friends. She held you close for a reason, and after these months I feel I may know why.

Cuz you all are amazing.

And so.

Thank you all for everything.

Much love always,

and, as always we will remain,

Team Carter

LA MEMORIAL FOR MOM

Hello everyone,

Well the time has finally come for us to hold our second and final memorial service for mom.

We will be holding the celebration this Saturday November Third at Eleven in the morning.

Dress code is california casual- which means if you are a suit and tie kinda guy go for it- if you are a jeans and blazer kinda guy thats fine too. Ladies, it is in a backyard so those itsy bitsy heals might drive you crazy, also it is up on a hill, and the sun can be pretty hot up there...

We plan to got to the Viceroy Santa Monica afterwards for drinks for those that are so inclined.

And that, is pretty much it.

I want to thank everyone who flew and drove and walked and otherwise made it to Colorado to be with us. It was such a special time and an beautiful service and we were all humbled by the turnout and extreme show of love and support.

I hope that this too will be a real celebration of a wonderful woman and a wonderful mother.

So much love and light to all.

See you Saturday, and if not we will have you in our hearts.

xo

Chase and the rest of the team.

DONATIONS

Hello everyone,

Well, Team Carter arrived back in Los Angeles to find fire and brimstone aplenty. The sky is scorched red all day long casting an eerie red hot glow over an already surreal time... these days are strange indeed.

Colorado was magnificent. Decidedly cool to this decidedly hot. The mountain air was crisp, there were Bear sightings and good friends, hot coco, fires burning, autumnal bliss. Jigsaws and slippers, old friends and good food.

It was, perfect.

Being back in LA, has left a little to be desired, as you can imagine. Falling leaves and dirt roads replaced with falling ash and cement gutters, is well, less than fabulous... and yet, it is, somehow good to be home.

So then. Many of you have been asking about where to send donations to, and i apologize I have been so tardy about this... but I am finally getting down to business and sorting this and that all out.

The WYLY COMMUNITY ART CENTER is where we are having donations sent. This place is truly remarkable- it is a true labor of love, that our old friend Deb Jones has built from the ground up. It is an art center in Basalt, Colorado that holds classes for young people and teaches them to foster their creative side.

The best part of donating to this place is that it is still small enough that every little bit will help DRAMATICALLY. The Claudette Carter fund can and will make enormous things possible for them.

So.

if you are so inclined, and i hope you are- here is the info to donate:

CHECK:
Make your check out to Wyly Community Art Center
and in the Memo- put Claudette Carter Fund
mail it to: PO BOX 4707 Basalt CO. 81621

CREDIT CARD:
Simply call in your card info at 970-927-4123. Tell them how much you'd like to donate and please make sure to remind them it is for The Claudette Carter Fund. Or you can email deb with the info at deb@wylyarts.org

DIRECT BANK TRANSFER:
as if! Actually, Deb can help you do this as well, if you want to Alpine Bank is set up for direct wire transfers, so all you do is call Deb directly and she will give you the routing number at the bank. Deb can be found at 970-927-4123.

If you'd like to check out the website feel free: http://www.wylyarts.org/

And that, is it. Thank you all so so much in advance, or if you have already donated- then I'd like to thank you!

I will be in touch again in the next day or two with the final details regarding the LA memorial next Sat the 3rd in LA at 11am.

So much love to all of you

xoxo

Chase and team.

LOS ANGELES MEMORIAL

i just wanted to let everyone know that the LA memorial will definitely be November 3rd in Los Angeles. We will be holding the service in the Palisades at our dear friend Gail Strickland's house.

It will be early in the day, around 11am ish. Details to follow.

The Basalt memorial was spellbinding, absolutely breathtaking. Magical, healing, wonderful.

Today is our first day to do nothing. We are all still in our PJ's doing a jigsaw, reading the newspaper... relaxing. I don't feel much like writing today, but when I do I will fill you all in, in spades.

So for now- the third is the word.

so so much love

Chase

BASALT MEMORIAL

It is official, the memorial for mom will be held Saturday Oct 13th at 11:30am at the Roaring Fork Club in Basalt, Colorado. (www.roaringforkclub.net)

If any of you are coming and have not contacted us yet, or if you still need accommodations or whatever, please don't hesitate to call us.

We are leaving on sunday, via car(s) and we will be staying for 2 weeks or so.

As far as the LA memorial goes, we are thinking Nov 3rd... but all details to be determined... one memorial at a time... good grief.

In terms of everything else.... well, i don't quite know what to say. Somehow I thought all this would be a relief, easier somehow, but all I can say is that this is much, much harder. Sometimes I feel like I can barely breath, but most times I just do whatever is exactly in front of me, and that seems to be a fairly functional way to accomplish things.

Been going thru pictures, been packing for colorado, been canceling credit cards...

sigh.

its all a lot.

just want to get to colorado, relax and see everyone who loves mom the most. Till then I wait, deal, and try not to explode.

So look forward to seeing all of you in Basalt, and in LA. And, till then,

as always we will remain

The Team

HEAVY HEART

I've dreaded this email for a long long time. And I cannot bear it if this is the first you are hearing of this news- my hope was to try and call most of you first, but circumstances demand prompt communication, and so.

Mom passed away last night at around 6:40 pm. She was peaceful when she went, and surrounded by her family. Yesterday morning she had trouble waking up, and it was clear she was having trouble breathing. We called the ambulance and they took her to cedars where repeated attempts to get her breathing on her own failed, and by late afternoon she was hooked up to a ventilator. Mom had been very clear with us since the beginning of all of this, she DID NOT want to be on machines of any kind, and thankfully, that made our decision an easy and swift one. (i mean, as easy and swift as that can be....yikes)

They gave her a little morphine, took her off the machine, and within 15 minutes she was gone.

I think we all thought she had some more time left in her, and hoped that maybe she would wait for Colorado, but, apparently it was just time.

Obviously, we are so sad, and miss her, and shocked (which, in light of the past few months seems hard to believe that i could be shocked by this, but, I am.) And I think I am maybe even a little relieved- that she is out of pain now, and out of the miserable state her life had become towards the end. But we had such a good day on Monday, i just never thought when I woke up yesterday morning, that this was how the day would play out.

We have spent today with family and friends staying close, holding on tight. Being a Team.

So.

Apologies, but I need to tell you all some details of plans and schedules and all of that- so take a second, focus and lets get to it:

Firstly, we have decided that we are going to go to Colorado this weekend, as planned. We wont take the RV, and we wont take mom, but her ashes will meet us there.

Secondly, we will be having a memorial service next weekend in Basalt. We are still working out exact details, but it seems that it will be SATURDAY OCT 13TH. Somewhere in the Roaring Fork Valley.

Thirdly, we will have a second service in Los Angeles in a few weeks. Right now I am thinking NOV 3rd. But will need a little time to confirm that as well.

You are all welcome to come to Colorado, of course. It is an extremely treasured time of year there. It is however, difficult and can be quite expensive to get to, so please don't be upset if you cannot make it, we would love to see you in LA.

I am in the process of setting up a fund for mom at the Wyly Art Center in Basalt (www.wylyarts.org). Wyly is a wonderful community art center that brings art instruction to the mid valley. It was a place that mom really loved, and while we could give money to a cancer foundation or something like that, at Wyly every little bit will really make such a huge difference. So please, in Lieu of sending flowers or food, or whatever else, please save your money and send it to Wyly. It will take me a few days to get that organized so please please give me some time and I will let you know where and how.

And I think thats it. I will write more soon. Again I so apologize if this is the way you have found out this news. Email is so not the way I wanted to get to you all, but with plans to be made, and especially those of you traveling to Colorado, I just needed to.

My mom was a magical woman, and she blessed us all. And I, for one, will miss her each and every day, for the rest of my life.

Thank you all so much for staying with us on the incredible journey. You have been our rock.

Whether we see you in Colorado, or in LA, we will see you soon, and we will always always remain,


Team Carter.

MID SEPTEMBER UPDATE

Hello Team Carter,

Well- here we are mid september, not quite "coasting along" as our doctor originally had us hoping we might. He told us by now we might even be cancer free.

Not so much. I would say by all accounts we are pretty much doing the opposite of that. Things are pretty tough around here. Mom is suffering pretty much all day long.

Everything is an effort, and while thank god she is out of pain (the neck pain has finally started to lift thanks, we think, to the botox injection), she is almost always uncomfortable.

And it's tough to watch. It's tough to see such a vibrant woman so depleted.

She got her first dose of Alimta- the second line chemo, and it seems to be going well. She was tired for a few days- but compared to the last chemo it is very very mild- which was a welcome change. So we have decided that after the next chemo- on Oct 8th we are going to make a family trip to Colorado.

We put a deposit down on an RV and we are Team Cartering it out to Basalt. Carter and Nikky are taking off work, Tate and I are in, Mom and Dad, Joey the dog and Pete and Sally the cats are loading in and heading off to Colorado for two weeks.

There are some potential obstacles- breathing/ oxygen, driving for 18 hours (RV time), nervousness of travel, ect. But mostly we are hoping to get a little Colorado fall in before it gets too cold and see some beautiful nature- plus, it is time to get the hell out of LA.

Speaking of which, most of you know that Tate and I went out of town- we went to NY for a wedding, and then we were on our way to Ireland when we got a phone call that Tate's mom was in the hospital with a heart attach of all things. So we redirected our journey and went to Indiana for a week. (hey, at least they both start with an "I") His mother IS FINE, and I am happy to report she was out of the hospital in just a few days and is already back to normal.... thank god. But it was a staggering blow to again have to cancel our Ireland trip. I suppose it just wasn't meant to be right now. Maybe 2008. We'll see.

It was wonderful to come home and be with mom. And to see her progress. Which she is making lots of, but it is brutally slow. Most noticeably in her vision- she no longer sees double and doesn't need a patch on her eye, her walking and standing have improved. Her swallowing is better, and she still has an appetite that would make a competitive eater jealous.

And so.

I so wish there was something I could do to make this all go away. Some universal reset button that could bring my mom back to the way she was- revive her former glory. But i think that's gone. And I'm not sure she will really ever be the same, which is a tough pill to swallow.

But god damn what a gift it is to be this close with my family- how precious it is to have all of us together all the time.... Mom is suffering- but she is covered, more than she has ever been.

and that, is the best part of all of this.

so.

with love and warmth and so much radiating light,

we remain always

Team Carter

THIS ONE SUCKS

i haven't written in a while.

and that is because i haven't wanted to give you bad news. But unfortunately i have some.

The chemo has stopped working. And the tumor in her lung has begun growing again.

Which means that we have to kinda start over as far as treatment is concerned. We are stopping the Tarceva, and on the 11th, after the Tarceva is out of her system, she will begin a new Chemo- a much milder one called Alimta. This chemo has decent results, although they will be temporary.

And so.

We are getting a second opinion at the City of Hope, an excellent hospital in Pasadena. And we are staying positive. She continues to improve daily from the stroke, but now that she is not on any chemo, her cough has gotten worse, and her breathing is difficult and short.

And so.

This is, as you know, really fucking shitty news. And it just feels like the universe is kicking us when we are down. Which sucks. But again- staying positive in the face of total crap does wonders for the mood.

And so.

Mom is really suffering. Everything is so god damned difficult for her. Everything from breathing, to drinking, to going to the bathroom all present so many difficulties. She is, in many ways, living what most of us would consider to be our worst nightmare. And yet somehow she is doing it with grace, style and even a little humor. Highlights include daily outings when we walk the dog, go the beach... just simply get outside. She still has a pretty rigorous physical therapy schedule- with 3 hours a day 3 days a week. And the progress is visible.

This news is particularly hard to take because our M.O. has been, get thru the stroke, and then finish beating the cancer... and to get bad news hits mom in the last place she needs to be weakened and that is her morale.

and so.

life rushes on all around us and Team Carter has realized, perhaps for the first time that our landscape has been changed forever. And that this is the world we will be living in, for quite some time to come.

Thank you all for all your continued support and love

My mother is the bravest woman I have ever met- and this fight is one for the books. Truly.

Much love always,

and until next time,

We will remain,

Team Carter

TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS

"oh she may be weary
and young girls they do get weary
wearing that same old shabby dress
but when she gets weary
try a little tenderness"

oh Otis- how right you were. How much a little tenderness, a little love and a few soft words spoke so gently, can some how just make it all easier to bare.

Last saturday we left the hospital and came home. Sigh. It is always so good to get home after the hospital.

Mom is making progress everyday, and she is getting her life back slowly. We spent 18 days in the hospital. And we are all so much happier to be home.

Although Cedars is considerably better than St. Johns (where we were in april) a hospital is still a hospital and this one had it's own drawbacks. For one, our room was small- asses and elbows small. I have bruises on both legs from hitting the arms of this one fucking chair.... i hate that fucking chair. Also Cedars is in west hollywood, which, day after day is a schlep.

To tell you what life was like there- i will quote Dad. He wrote this there, and I think it explains it quite well:

I DON’T THINK MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES EVER GOES BY WHERE YOU AREN’T DOING SOMETHING- FEEDING , GIVING MEDS, COVERING UP- UNCOVERING- TURNING ON A SIDE , LAYING ON A BACK, DEALING WITH A NECK PAIN- DEALING WITH SORENESS THAT COULD BECOME A BED SORE IF NOT ATTENDED TO- GETTING A DRINK, MIXING A THICKENER IN SOMETHING TO DRINK, GETTING DRSSED, GETTING UNDRESSED, TAKING AN OUTING DOWN THE HALL OR DOWN TO THE PLAZA, MAKING SURE THE NURSE IS PAYING ATTENTION, TO MUCH LAXATIVE- TOO LITTLE LAXATIVE, FINDING THE FACE CREAM, GET A HUMIDIFIER EVEN IF ITS NOT ALLOWED, GETTING TO THE COMMODE, GETTING BACK IN BED, FINDING A NURSE, WATCHING THE THERAPISTS- OCCUPATIONAL, PHYSICAL AND SPEECH, FOLDING OUT AND DRESSING THE COT TO SPEND THE NIGHT, FOLDING UP THE COT AND BEDCLOTHES TO MAKE SOME ROOM, JUGGLING THE WHEELCHAIR, WALKER, IV, FLUFFING THE PILLOWS, ANSWERING THE EMAILS, ANSWERING THE PHONE, TALKING TO THE DOCTORS, READING THE GUIDELINES FOR THERAPY,GOING FOR ICE, ORDERING BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER FOR EVERYONE IN THE ROOM, ARRANGING WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN AT HOME , MAKING SURE THE DOG IS COVERED, SCHEDULING FRIENDS TO COME IN TO VISIT, DEALING WITH THE ODD PANIC ATTACK, GUIDING THRU THE OCCASIONAL COUGHING , SWALLOWING SPASM, WASHING UP IN THE EVENING AND THE MORNING, GETTING TEETH BRUSHED IN THE MORNING AND EVENING AND WHENEVER, RINSING WITH MOUTHWASH 3-4 TIMES A DAY, MARKING THE DAILY JOURNAL WITH PROGRESS REPORTS, FIXING THE FLOWERS, GETTING HOUSEKEEPING TO CLEAN UP, CHANGE THE SHEETS, MOP THE FLOOR ...... AND MAKING THE NECK COMFORTABLE....

It was, exhausting to say the least. Dad and I switched off sleeping there. He took two nights, I took one... Mom cannot stand or walk yet, and so every time she got up to use the bathroom, we had to get up and help her. And because her neck is still so fucking sore, anytime she changed positions, she needed help as well. And so, "sleeping" at the hospital, didn't really entail much sleeping. Dad and I were becoming zombies.

(The first thing we did when we got home was order a night nurse. We have had two nights of solid sleep and already everything seems easier.)

Mom made some really good progress in rehab, I think she would have made more- but we had a little setback... mom had a nightmare on a thursday night (the 9th) and it was bad enough that she talked to her doctor about it, and bad enough that she aggressed to see a psychiatrist about it. The shrink asked is she would like to take something to help her sleep- we agreed. So he gave her Ambien. 5 milligrams, which was WAY TOO MUCH for her. And after that night.. and continuing since, all the progress she had made with walking was wiped clean ,and now she has trouble simply standing.... it was as if the Ambien put her balance to sleep- and only now a week and half later it is only finally starting to wake up.

The real bummer about that was, that i feel like we lost precious time in the Rehab unit, because while her body was dealing with basically being drugged, she wasn't doing all she could in physical therapy, because her body was so unresponsive. And, anytime I tell a nurse or a doctor about that, they look at me stunned and say- he prescribed a stroke victim Ambien?!?!?! Tisk Tisk. Well, that doesn't do us a lot of good now... except to forge on.

Now one thing that she has been "practicing" three times and day (and then some) is her swallowing. Mom has a voracious appetite, and immediately after the stroke, chewing, swallowing were all a problem... now, while still eating soft foods, she is doing TONS better. Her voice is better, stronger, lower.... and thank god. Thank fucking god we can communicate with mom. Wow. She makes the odd joke, says cute things- like after spending the first hour with her night nurse sharon last night she announced "I like you Sharon"... it was pretty cute.

At this point I feel as though we have two major bridges to cross:

The first is swallowing liquids. (I think we are just a few weeks away from this goal). Right now she has to have all liquids thickened- which she hates. Cuz lets face it it's foul. When you want a nice refreshing sip of water and it's thick and slightly chalky tasting from the thickener... it's gross and not quite the same refrenshing sensation. So she isn't drinking very much, as you can imagine. But she used to not do liquid at all, now at least she has juice and some thicker liquids.... the progress is obvious.

However, until she is drinking normally, she has to have an IV at night. It is just saline, and it is just to keep her hydrated. But it's a pain in the ass, and it is the presence of hospital equipment in the house- which is grim... so we need to get her drinking water so we can get rid of the IV. Thats step number one.

Step number two, is quite literally, a step: walking... we have got to get her walking... until she can walk- we need a night nurse, she can't take herself to the bathroom, she needs CONSTANT supervision... until she is walking we can do nothing but practice all day. And we have our work cut out for us.... but we practice all the time. This afternoon we have our first at home physical therapy.... we will have a therapist come at least three times a week, and dad and I are looking into supplementing the insurance-sent doctor with our own therapist an additional 3 or 4 more days a week. At least for now...

As far as the cancer treatment is concerned- we will deal with that soon enough. We want to get her a little stronger before we do anything. But the plan is- on the 28th to do a full rescan and see where we are at. She is still taking her daily oral chemo- Tarceva, but for now there will be no big intravenous chemo. That shit was TOO HARD on her system, and, we think probably the cause of the stroke in the first place. She was taking something called Avastin, which most of the time does wonders, but can, in rare cases cause blood clots. We were one such case, and combine that with her getting super dehydrated- bang- that's when she had the stroke(s). So for now we are on hold, getting her stronger and better. Hoping that the Tarceva will continue to work and keep the cancer at bay... i have a theory that the Tarceva is gonna finish the job us. Mom had a dream some time ago that she was shaking hands with a bottle of Tarceva. Silly, I know, but Tarceva is her friend, and it's gonna kill this cancer and save my mom. I just feel it.

Aunt lois comes tomorrow. Which is great. And actually, Tate and I are going away this week- going up to Orcas Island in Washington State to a wedding. Then we come back for a week and leave again for two weeks- one week in upstate NY for another wedding, and then 6 days in Ireland. Obviously all these plans were made ages ago, and we talked about not going- but after some deliberation we have all decided that we should still go... so. Aunt Lois will be here that whole time we are gone- so Dad isn't doing all this alone- and Carter and Nikky help out on the weekends (actually Carter showed up every morning at 8am in the hospital to bring coffee and croissant to dad or I while we were at the hospital.... a serious trooper)... And then, if we need more nursing help, we'll just -get it.

But it's hard man. This is some serious shit.

Mom had a stroke. And that shit takes a long long time to recover from. Walking, talking, swallowing, dressing- she has to relearn all of it. And she gets tired, and her neck hurts and it's sometimes so overwhelming.

Sometimes you just want to stay in bed- but you can't- it's not an option. Much like a new parent, sometimes you just want to go back to your old life and stay out late and sleep in, and relax and unwind- but there is a child to consider and there is more love than you have ever known, so you wake up and you feed, and clean, and take for walks and teach the world to your child....

and thats kinda what we are doing.

Mimi Wheeler and Santiago Ortiz (Laura Donnelly's daughter and son in law) had a baby last week! A perfect little man named Felix Claudio Ortiz. He was born on the third floor while my mom was up on the seventh. And yesterday they brought him to the house so mom could finally meet him. (and, as I am the god mother I needed to get my mitts on him too). They had seen her in the hospital. And then a week later they came to the house. They could see an improvement. "Much better" they said. I guess I don't see it as much cuz I am here everyday.

But it's true- she is much better. She feeds herself. (didn't use too). She stands while she brushes her teeth and washes her face (couldn't do that before). She drinks juice, like tomato and prune (no way could have handled that before). She smiles and makes jokes (something she definitely wasn't doing two weeks ago).

And so we try. We try being funny, and stern, (she calls me a drill sergeant cuz I make her do exercises and stand and walk and all that), and we try kindness,and softness, and patience and even, even a little tenderness.

And somehow- being tender... it just, makes it easier to bear. Because we are all weary, and we are all waiting, anticipating the return.... the return of mom- to us all.

And she's coming back. Bit by bit. She comes home a little more- everyday.


So, you all- you big ol' extended team. As always, thank you for your love, support, thoughts and prayers

we remain, ever patient, and a little tender

and always

Team Carter

REHAB

When they say rehabilitation- they really mean rehabilitation.

Mom is starting completely over. Well, not completely. She can think, and use her words. And she can smell. But thats about all that is intact. The rest is starting over. Sight, sound, touch and even taste... all need rehab.

This week mom is learning how to walk, talk, feed herself, groom herself, take herself to the bathroom, shower.... It is, overwhelming to say the least. Especially when all of us were in a place where we thought we were seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. And now it feels like the tunnel has collapsed, and we are picking pieces of dirt, one at a time....

But there is progress. When we got here last week she couldn't stand on her own, or use a walker, or find her mouth with a raspberry. Now she is feeding herself with a spoon (last night we had the fork AND knife in action). She walks down the hall with a walker and a physical therapist... she sits and washes herself off in the seated shower. She brushes her hair and her teeth and washed her face and her hands at the sink.

It's just fucking slow. It's pull your hair out slow. They gave us a going home date- The 18th of August. That is one week from today. And while I've seen how much they have helped her this week, and am so looking forward to seeing all she can conquer next week, the fact remains that she has A LONG WAY TO GO. A long way to go just to get to where we were. That frail exhausted weak cancer patient. Hard to believe- but right now- even that seems good. At least then she could walk. SO in some ways next saturday seems too soon, on the other hand another week in the hospital feels like an eternity.

Her speech and her eyes have probably improved the most- when she looks at you her eyes stay mostly strait, and her speech is not nearly as slurred or high pitched... at times she sounds downright normal.

Dad and I thought that the hospital would be easier. That here she would have 24 hour care and we could get a break. But in fact it is much much harder here. One, because one of us is here all the time. She is just too frail to be left alone- and two, the hospital is a scary place, especially at night. So dad and I switch off, he takes two nights I take one... and that way she is never alone. So that is extra exhausting on us too. At a time when we were so desperate for a break, everything just got so. much. harder.

But the therapy is great- and we look forward to it everyday- we have an hour (or 2- depending on the day) of physical therapy- which is walking with a walker mostly, some basic exercise and they usually end with a neck rub. Then we have Occupational therapy for an hour or two. We had the BEST therapist Erin (hi Erin, she joined the mailing list). But she left last Thursday to go back to school, and it's not the same without her. She was super fun, and very good at her job, and made therapy fun. The new girl is ok, not nearly as fun. Erin played yatzee with us (and mom beat both of by the way... asshole). Then we have speech therapy- we practice talking, breathing, swallowing. Next week we will start some group stuff, a stoke class, and a community class (whatever that means).

Also next week she is going to get a botox injection in her neck. They say it will take a few weeks to really take effect- but it should, hopefully give her neck some much needed relief. And what a bitch that is- in the middle of having to learn how to walk and sit up and lay down and all that shit- her fucking neck still hurts.... what a mother fucker.

Oh man, poor mom. When it rains it pours.... the thing is- because her mind and memory is all there- she totally realizes how much this sucks. She says things like, I just want to be normal again. I just want to go back to being a normal cancer patient.... jesus.

But she is a trooper, and I KNOW way down deep where it counts, that this story has a happy ending, that one day she will be hiking up Grizzly Creek, and thinking- man- that was a weird fucking year. And she will be healthy and happy and retired and Dick will be driving her crazy and joey will be by her side.

Cuz that is how this story is SUPPOSED to go. And if we all WILL it that way- that's how it WILL be. But jesus man is there a lot of work to be done.

so wear your bracelets, and keep in touch. She loves to hear from you all.

thank you endlessly for your ongoing support.

Until Next time,

as always

we remain,

Team Carter

UPDATE

hello everyone,

Well well, its a good thing I told you all to email us instead of call. We got almost 50 emails within the first 5 hours... you all are amazing. Mom and I spent a long time last night before bed in the hospital reading them all. I can't tell you what a difference it makes to her. And, it may have been crooked, but she smiled.

I have good news- (thank fuck) so let me just get right to it. In addition to really encouraging improvements already (much less slurring, eyes coming into focus, standing with a walker... improved coordination... all of it). She wowed all doctors and she has been approved (both by the doctors AND the insurance) to move upstairs on monday to the Cedar Sinai Inpatient Rehabilitation Unit.

This is one of those places that has amazing results, and as such, a stellar reputation. it's won all sorts of awards... They only have 28 beds and therapy starts at 7am and finishes at 7pm (not solid- but it is all day long)... They don't admit people they don't think they can help (and I guess I don't blame them, it's how you get a good reputation by maintaining excellence). They took one look at mom, and her determination ("I just wanna be normal again"), her tenacity ("I'm ready to go home now") and her attitude ('do you know who the president is claudette?' - "yea bush, unfortunately").

They took one look at us by her side- unwaveringly... and they said they wanted her to invite her upstairs. Stating that people that WANT to get better and people who have family by their side have a much better chance of improving.... and well, I guess thats us. Because we're gonna kick the shit out of this.

So even though we are only going 3 floors up, we will be checking out of the hospital and checking into the rehab center. It is a completely separate facility- but still has 24 hour nurse care and all her doctors can still include her in their rounds. I feel like the Jefferson's- cuz we're movin' on up, to our very own deluxe apartment in the sky...

Its really excellent news- one, because I feel so confident in the care, and two, because they are confident in moms ability to improve- which brings us such relief, I cannot tell you.

The basic deal is, Sunday evening or Monday sometime we will get moved up there and the regime will begin. She is expected to stay there for two or three weeks. She will have intensive therapy for at least 4 or 5 hours daily. Everything from physical therapy (walking, sitting etc) to occupational therapy (brushing teeth, changing clothes, feeding yourself), speech therapy (basically attempting not to sound like she's had a bottle of gin when she talks). They will also work with her to improve her vision and her hearing as well.

I'm sorry- I just have to say. I just can't fucking believe this.

I can't believe I just wrote that- I can't believe mom needs to learn how to dress herself, change her clothes, talk, hear, see. It blows my mind that this could happen. In an instant. Just like that, right in front of me. What a gift it is to be healthy, to even just brush your hair and complain about your fat ass. What a gift.

Fucking wild.

Anyway...

So we'll do the therapy, and after a few weeks we hopefully come home. And we see where we are at. We may get some at-home help, we're not sure. Kinda a day by day deal right now.

so thats all. I just wanted to share that with you because the last email was a bit of a bowling ball in the nuts.

I know it is hard to swallow- but it WILL BE OK.

Cuz it has to be. Mom has never done anything half ass, or medioocre. You don't seriously expect her to start now do you?

Comeon, seriously.

lots of love,

until next time-

surviving like a raging river

we remain

Team Carter

TOUGH NEWS

Well, I so wish I had better news to report. But in fact I have some pretty bad news. So, if your not already, sit down.

Two days ago, on a wednesday afternoon around 2pm, right in front of me, Mom had a stroke. In fact- she had two. One is quite small, at the base of her brain stem in an area of the brain called the "pons" and the other is a bit larger in an area called the Cerebellum. A stoke- for those of you that don't know- as I did not until yesterday afternoon, is when an area of the brain does not get enough blood and it damages the tissue... this can cause several side effects. Mom was quite dehydrated from some vomiting and diarrhea over the past couple of days, and as a result of her chemo treatment the doctor thinks her blood was "sticky" (thats actually the term he used- "sticky blood" its a extremely medical term)... and he thinks that the sticky blood and the dehydration caused a small blockage, and ultimately a stoke.

Before I go on, I need you to know it was a minor stroke, and the doctors do expect a full recovery in time. How long- well, that is the question at this point. Lets just say cancer treatment is on the back burner for a little while.

So, what happened. In short- she took two pain killers accidentally the night before. Normally she takes one, she took two. Not one single doctor thinks this is the cause of the stroke, but I know that it played part in furthering her dehydration, Because when she woke up on wed she was unusually groggy. Now, dad and i figured it was the double dose of pain killers and assumed she would sleep it off. Also she threw up a few times this week, (a first for us in our experience with chemo). And she was having diarrhea, so she was really really dehydrated to start. She ate a good dinner on tuesday night and I was expecting a good day on wed. But when she couldn't come out of the drug haze she was in- I couldn't get her to eat or drink, and anything she did get down she threw up. So I went across the st to get some pedialight (children's electro-light drink) and some may-lox to calm her stomach.

She hated the pedilight, but took a small sip of the may-lox and about 1 minute later said, "I feel drugged, ooh I feel weird" I sat with her, thinking this too would pass, and then something changed. Her face went slack, she told me she couldn't hear anything, she said her arms were tingling, and that her whole right side of the body was numb, and that now it was really loud... her speech was slurred as she asked me "what was that banging?"

Obviously I called 911, and dad who had gone for a meeting a few blocks away (he and I thought we might go back to work this week). He just stood up in the middle of the meeting, said, "I have to go" and walked out. (i love that image...)

Now then. It was pretty apparent that something was very wrong when I got her to the ER. (by the way- ride to Cedars from Santa Monica on a wed afternoon at 2:30 in crazy traffic in the ambulance.... passing all the cars- highlight of the year for me, seriously awesome... you got to get your thrills where you can these days).

The first hour is the ER was understandably scary, in my experience ER's involve long waits, no time with doctors sitting in uncomfortable waiting rooms. Not this time. We got in a room immediately and there was a cacophony of activity, doctors, nurses, chest Xray in the first 5 minutes, the ER doctor talking to me in the first 10, she was whisked off to get a cat scan of the brain... "could be a brain tumor, "could be hemorrhaging in the brain, "does she have a living will? "Who has power of attorney?" And classically, our Oncologist at Cedars is out of the country for two weeks. So they sent us the guy who was covering his case- an absolute sweet heart who came and SAT WITH US, no joke, FOR AN HOUR in the ER. I have never seen anything like it in all my life. He explained what was happening, what our options were depending on what we find on the cat scan, and then waited with us to get the cat scan results. It was UNBELIEVABLE. Its why Cedars has the reputation it does... cus the doctors and staff there are the best in the country. (apologies to all our friends that are doctors who are reading this- your real good too...)

So then the cat scan comes back, and there is nothing there. Oh my god. No tumor, no hemorrhaging, no stroke.

So they admit us, because something is definitely wrong. Mom is still numb on one side of the body, she has body tremors (like when you have Parkinson's), her eyes cannot focus on one thing and she has double vision, she can't really move herself around too well, and the banging noise in her head is still really loud.

Our neurologist (a man I was planning on making an appointment with anyway to help work on her neck at the end of chemo) Dr Cohen, came in and after evaluating her, suspected she in fact DID have a stoke- albeit a minor one. We did the MRI on Thursday and it confirmed what he believed, and told him something he wasn't expecting.

The numbness, the wobbly-unfocused eyes, the slack face, the slurred speech - that was all due to the stroke in the Pons, but the much larger one in the Cerebellum, which could have presented a lot more conditions, and had not, was only giving her the tremors, and that would mean we would have to work on her balance, as that is the area of the brain that that effects.

Dr Cohen was very confident that she would get better, that all these symptoms could be solved with Rehab.

And so that brings us to today. Mom will be undergoing major rehab over the next few weeks (months? we don't know). And where and how we get it is what is next to figure out. There are several options: At cedars, just upstairs from our room lies one of the best Rehab centers in the world that has a year long waiting list- we can bypass that list and get checked in if she is deemed strong enough to be a candidate. Then there is the option that we go home and rehab comes to us, and finally there is the one where we go home and go to rehab. Obviously I'd love to stay in hospital for a week or two and then go home... but we will just see what happens.

We are expecting that the a team of rehabbers will descend on us today- from swallowing, to optometry, to occupational, to speech.

And in the middle of all of this mess is my mom. Who is still all there. She can talk, she can cover one eye and see me, she says, "is dad crying? go give him a kiss" she says- "all i have to do is physical therapy? Well shit, I CAN DO THAT. I've been wanting to do that, lets start now"

I don't know from where it comes, but her inner strength, and her positivity are more alive then ever right now. It actually inspiring. There she lies, unable to feed herself, or take herself to the bathroom and she is telling me things like "make sure to tell Judi (a friend with a newborn) that Carter was colicky, and it's hard, my heart goes out to her, but tell her to use the magic position I showed her... it will work". And I think- how the hell can you still be so present and generous and wise from this hospital bed. But she is.... And she says, "Are you gonna write an email? Oh i wish you didn't have to tell everyone bad news..."

In fact, the first thing she said to me when we got in our room was, "Draw the room Chase, I want to see where I am... what's behind me"

And even tough its just a wall behind her, and even though I think she should be looking ahead and not behind, I draw the map, and we hold her hand, and we feed her anything she wants (she DOES have her appetite back which is great) and we talk to her, and we call her one-eyed-willy and tell her take up golf cuz she's got one hell of a stroke... and she smiles and tells us its OK. That she, is OK.

I mean, she's a mess. But she's ok.

So I don't know where that leaves us. I mean. Ok, so it was a mild stroke. But a stroke is still a stroke and it is incredible scary and so so jarring to watch. I look at her now and wonder how is it possible that you could EVER be normal again, but you can see in her eyes that she will, and she can, and it's fucking wild.

its just wild.

But there IS improvement- already. Her voice is stronger, her hands are steadier, her eyes are more focused.... if her speech is any indication of her speed of recovery- then we are in good shape. She is visibly better than when we brought her in two days ago... and that is everything that we are hanging onto now. That is the definition of hope. And it's such an amazing thing to witness and be a part of... what a ride.

So this is a set back to be sure, and unfair one, and unwelcome one and a totally BRUTAL one. But thats why we are a team... and that's why it takes all of us. So muster up that mojo. Send ye light, love prayers, gongs, whatever you got. And for those that have bracelets- PUT EM ON. And for those of you that don't... I will get them to you- they are in the mail....

And, I would also like to add, if you would like to talk to us, for right now please just email. That is probably the most efficient way to reach us at this time. I will keep you updated at every turn. And will do everything to keep you all in the loop.

Team Carter will Survive.

Every single Day.

So thank you for all the continued support. The fight just got harder- but what the fuck... ain't worth doing if it doesn't take all you got...

SO.

Lots of love

And, as always,

until next time,

we will remain

Team Carter

GOOD NEWS

I thought I would give you some good news.

We had a scan yesterday and mom's tumor has been reduced by an additional third!

Which puts us at a total of 60 to 70% reduction from where we started just 4 months ago. It also puts us (in Dr Natale's words) "in an elite group" of cancer patients who see that kind of improvement in such a short amount of time.

So mom still feels like shit- but at least now she has a smile on her face.

Mom is suffering to be sure, neck pain, headaches, a new jaw pain, muscle aches, she has lost still yet another few pounds... but the cancer is dying, and she will one day in the next few months be cancer free.

And that is really something to marvel at, and something to be profoundly grateful for. Because with the help of serious ass-kicking legalized poison-like medicine, and the overwhelming support of family and friends you can survive this thing called cancer.

Mom and I were talking yesterday after we got the news, and we were thinking about all the people that have helped us over the last few months, and taken that extra step to come visit, or make food, to pack or lift boxes, or to organize mom's sock drawer, or simply just come by with peaches from time to time.... and the list is pretty magnificent.

We wanted to take a second and share it with you.

Firstly Lois, mom's sister, has flown out from New Jersey not once but twice now, to feed and move and care for all of us, to clean up after us and teach us all how to be a nurse. Last week while she was here her son TJ came to help with the move. Angela Foster came out for a week and took extra special care of us, giving both dad and I a well needed chance to nap. Missy Thorne came all the way from Washington DC, Lorraine Shirkus flew in from San Antonio Texas, Missy Greis came twice from Salt Lake City Utah (and is coming again this weekend!!), Paul Rubin Came in from New York, as did Brad and Alex Davis, Jerry Foster came from Aspen, and Dede Brinkman brought the Sheriff of Aspen Mr Bob Braudis twice to sit bedside.

Then there are the people who come every week. Gracie (Laura Donnelley to ya'll) has been a marvel, she has fed us at least twice a week since april. She has come to visit weekly, she has been such a dear friend. Maude Feil comes a least once a week to bring fresh peaches for mom's protein shake, and sits with her and went to the store and bought her smaller clothes for her new little body. Brad Miller and Millie Favor come by weekly and cook for mom and they hang art in our new house and Mollie sits with mom and talks for hours, and Brad takes dad to see 'guy movies' like Die Hard 4. Pam and Judy have cooked and organized food deliveries. The feast we had on moving day was unreal... Pam has cooked so much, so often for us, we now all have favorite dishes of hers... Gail and Neil come by weekly with Gail's incredible broccoli soup, and they give mom foot massages, and when they went out of town they bought us 5 sessions with a masseuse that comes to the house! Mimi and Santiago cooked dinner for us until poor mimi got so pregnant she could hardly stand! (just joking mimi- you stand just fine) Elizabeth Ragagli comes by all the time with chicken soup and new articles about neck stiffness and neck pillows and sits with mom and with her and tells her tales of work and her travels. Emily Foster comes by with fresh fruit and veggies and flowers from the farmers market and her sweet daughter Sabine who puts such a smile on moms face.

Then there was the move. Vicki and Tiff and Joren and Lorraine and Arne and Gail who came and helped pack. Tiff came back with Arne and lifted god damn couches down stairs. Brian Teravella and Kagen moved box after box... Hugo came and packed up moms most precious lamp, Jenny, Tamar, Nikky and Elizabeth folded linens and made little pretty stacks of underwear and sox, made the bathroom pretty and erected shrines to expired cats and dogs.... Damaris, Lois, Nikky and I sorted and resorted to make all that shit fit in the kitchen. Brad and Mollie hung art, Tate drove the truck and lifted so many boxes and so much furniture I thought he would break, Carter set up the TV's and the internet, dad organized the garage and did his best to stay sane, and in two days we were out of one house and into another like the previous one never existed.

And still. Still we check the mail and letters still come. Mary Rowen sent mom a letter every single day for weeks. Jody calls and send boxes of treasures. Dede and Missy and little Grace send care package after care package- with scarves and Pajamas and treasures abound. Bob and Marcy sent a pillow very early on- who knew it would be the one pillow mom takes everywhere- her constant source of comfort- just the right fit. The other day we got a picture on dads phone- Carl had taken a picture of moms precious hydrangeas in colorado... just to prove they are growing so so strong.

And the survivors, Katie Asche, Judi Goldfader, Missy Thorne, Jenny Lass, Hillary White. These incredible women who come and sit bed side and tell mom that they know what she is going thru. That she will recover, she will grow strong, and that one day, she will be the one giving the chemo advice, not needing it.

And there are more- so many people in town, stopping by, Zoe and Aneal and Jamie and jesus the list goes on and on. Adir who is making a wig for mom... Dayle who came to the house to give her a facial, Jackie the manicurist who comes to the house, Suzy who gives her rakie....

it's just

amazing.

I cant name everyone.

You've humored me enough... This can't be interesting reading... I'm sure at this point you've already skipped to the bottom or your reading franticly thinking where the fuck is my name? And to that point I should thank YOU- the one person I inevitably forgot in the aforementioned list. (Cuz you know I forgot someone...)

It's just pretty amazing all of this.

I mean, don't get me wrong- this sucks. This sucks BIG TIME. But the support is amazing.

I can't wait till it's all over. Till her neck is healed and she is hiking up some colorado mountain with her dog and her friends...

There's a long way to go, and no one knows it better than her. My poor mom, the mistress of the bad day, the cancer warrior.

Alas.

Till next time we will,

as always

remain

Team Carter.

took this picture a few weeks ago- but here are some of the cards we've received....

CHANGE OF ADDRESS

well the move is on.

we move tomorrow. 5000 sq feet down to 1800. We've sold a bunch of stuff (yea e-bay)

we have the makings for the best garage sale ever (next Sat the 14th at the new house for those of you looking to score good shit).

We have an army of people coming to help this weekend.

Tate, Lois and Dad and I have moved things all week (with some help- go Brian and Tiphany) the pantry, closets, office stuff ect. The furniture goes tomorrow.

At this moment I am sitting here enjoying some quiet. The sun is behind a little cloud cover which is finally cooling things down (it's been like an indian sweat lodge around here lately). Mom and Dad are at physical therapy. Tate is off picking up the moving truck. Lois is showering, The dog is napping at my feet. I am in the one room in the house that still feels normal. We have left the art up, the phone plugged in, the lamps on the table, so as to maintain a sense of home in all the moving rubble.

But once I am done here, I will stand up and begin dismantling this room too.

I should say that mom is having a good week. Her neck is still sore and she still feels weak, but the chemo effects have worn off and she has had some good days, and will probably continue to until she goes in for her third round of toxic sludge. The first few days after are really tough on her- but by the second week she is loads better. Her hair is holding strong- falling out slightly- but her italian roots are hanging tough- cancer shouldn't try to fuck with an hairy italian broad.

And now I have to report some sad news.

They say the world never gives you more than you can take... which I guess means we must be a pretty tough bunch, because this morning our cat, Putti died.

Oh my god- it's really so sad and yet it makes me laugh. The whole thing is so ridiculous- it's just absurd. She went in her sleep, and in a way, made things easier for us all. She had been quite ill for sometime, and when we moved her favorite chair out of the pantry I think she took it as a sign to go. Loosing her chair perhaps made her loose her will to live. She slipped out quietly this morning at the foot of the bed with dad still in it.

And so.

We pack. We call the cat cremation place. We move. We have a 4th of July BBQ.... and mom takes her tarceva.

And even though it all sucks- it's all fine too.

We band together and kick some ass.

And thats kind how it is now.

Cuz we sure as hell cant get out of it- so we man up and do it.

And we remain,

endlessly

Team Carter

GREETINGS FROM CHEMO LAND

welcome to the land of good days and bad, weight loss and weakness, overall fatigue and generally feeling like total ass. We hope you enjoy your stay.

Alas.

The first round of chemo was definitely full of ups and downs. It has been three weeks since out first intravenous chemotherapy and on monday we go in for round two. The doctor expects we will have a 4 total with 3 week intervals.

Chemo in and of itself was not really that bad. Its all the other shit that made the last 3 weeks tough. Firstly, mom spiked a fever the second day in. 102.9 which is high, so we called the Cedars Cancer Center (where she is being treated) and they told us to bring her in. We were there for 6 hours (till 1am that evening...). they feared she might have an infection so they made us go back every day for 5 days in a row to get an intravenous antibiotic. She didn't have nausea, she wasn't sick or too shitty- but the antibiotic was a total ass chap. She felt terrible before we even left the hospital. And 5 days in a row feeling fine and then taking the antibiotic and feeling like shit- it was pretty obvious that it was the antibiotic that was the cause. But once that was over- things started to look up. She was feeling better and the side effects were waning.

We went and saw Dr Natale, our medical oncologist, who recommended we see a neck/ bone specialist for the persistent pain in her neck. It is now apparent to us that the cancer is under control, being treated and hopefully very soon will be a part of our past. What is also becoming fairly obvious to us is that her neck is not. The pain in her neck, albeit better than 2 months ago, is still very much present and still quite debilitating. It is the reason she stays in bed, it is the reason she takes pain killers, it is the reason she has bad days.

This fucking bad neck.

So began "the Neck doctor escapade" that has taken up much of our days in the last few weeks. We saw the orthopedist who couldn't open our mri and ct files on two separate cds, on two separate occasions and kept us waiting for almost 6 hours combined between two visits. We finally gave up on him. We went back to our Radiation Oncologist who took sympathy and wrote a prescription for Physical Therapy for mom, but she can't get into see her therapist until early July. Then there was the spinal specialist who wants to give my mom an operation to stabilize her neck.

To which she replied, "oh man, I don't want a fucking operation." the doctor at that point asked if she was from New York. Of course he did.

The one thing we have figured out is that this neck problem is no joke, and isn't going to just go away. And that's a pretty hard one to swallow. Who knew cancer would be the easier thing to treat?

And thru all this is my mom, in so much pain and trying so hard to keep it together. She is weak and feels like hell most days. For most of you, it would blow your mind to see her like this, as it blows mine. This vital, strong, potent, taking names and kicking ass woman is so frail, and so weak, it's disarming to see. And there she is, being driven and schlepped from doctor to doctor, each more confusing than the next. All making her wait for hours- assuming their time is more important than hers. Infuriating. We all hate to wait for doctors, but when it hurts to simply sit upright and be asked to wait for over an hour: Something is wrong with the system here.

And so although we would like to see more doctors, for now- we just can't bear it.

So we go home, and we cook food thats hard for her to eat. And we change her diet- to simply fatten her up because now she's lost 18 pounds- a mere shadow of herself.

And we pack. When shes feeling up to it she says: "ok Chase, lets go thru the pantry". And I bring her things and she makes piles, sell, keep, colorado, california.

And she argues with me and dad about keeping her treadmill, and we worry about how to fit all the shit in the garage until we can take it to colorado, and we go to see the new apartment, and Carter and Nikky come over and cook and make a mess of the kitchen. And Irma comes and cleans up after all of us.

And we have visitors. So many wonderful visitors, some come for an hour, some come for the day, some even spend the night. Sweet Angela Foster stayed for a week. Some bring flowers or send cards or bring meals. And our dog Joey barks and licks each and every one of them.

And we pack now all the time. And there is never really a moment off. Because it's doctors, and meals, and packing and sleep.

And it's exhausting.

And it's sad, and beautiful, and powerful, and painful.

And it's real.

cuz its survival.

Each and everyday.

Just like it always is. For everyone.

And thru all this, we hold together tight

and we fucking handle this,

because we have to

and we remain,

The Carters.

OH MY GOD IT'S GOOD NEWS

Sigh gasp smile sigh gulp smile scream.

the tumors are reduced by 1/3. that's 33.33.33333333%

holy fucking terrific!!!


So we are just so so happy over here, I can't tell you.

the phone has been ringing off the hook, people stopping by the whole nine. its so great.

But there is still a lot to do before we are completely ready to celebrate.

Next week we will start the "heavy duty" chemo. the theory is, kick em while they're down. We weaken the little bastards and then hit them with the big guns and blast them to smithereens- and that just what we aim to do.

We are all really looking forward to getting her healthy and getting all this behind us, but we still have a little while to go before we get there...

For now I have got get off this computer and go get dinner on the table and get her fed (thank you gracie for cooking for us).

I will write more with all the details tomorrow. But for now, just know that all your big bad voodoo daddy vibes have worked.

so keep em comin!

thanks all

Chase

CLAUDETTE UPDATE

Hello all,

Greetings from the Carter clan. It is a overcast Sunday morning and we are all having a lazy quiet morning.

Things are going along fine here- I haven't written for a while because I wanted to have some fun little antidote for you all, but the truth is, there isn't a whole lot around here that is particularly fun or antidotal.

We wake up around 7, have our chemo pill, have breakfast about an hour later. Nap a little, shower, rest. Vitamins, protein shake, lunch, maybe a doctors visit, maybe a visitor at the house, the mail comes, we get cards and presents from all you amazing people. I do laundry, dad does dishes, Carter and Nikky make a snack from all the leftovers, around 4 the doorbell rings and Gracie or Mimi or Gail or Brett or Brad and Molly arrive with dinner for us (they are true champions that lot)... we have dinner. We rest. Perhaps a movie, still more pills, and then it's bed, and time to do it all again.

The only real thing that changes around here is how Claudette feels. Some days we wake up and her neck doesn't hurt too bad and the headache is mild. Other days not so much. And so we maintain. We rub tiger balm and put moist heat, she sits in her favorite chair, and spends a lot of time in bed. (more than she would like, she would love to be out and about, taking long walks with the dog and getting fresh air.) But we're not quite there. So we remain patient.

Tate and I and the cats moved in downstairs. I was arriving at 7am and leaving at 11pm, it just seemed easier to stay here- and Tate is my hero, cuz he just came along... he walks joey now... he's such a good man.

Dad is starting a job this week, which is a distraction that I think is well deserved. He had a fantastic art opening this weekend at the Santa Monica Museum of Art on Friday night- there was such a good turn out and his work looked really really great, I was extremely proud of him.

And finally, and this is not such a small little note. We sold the house. And in the next few months we have to move. (Ha! Thats still just about the funniest thing I have ever heard.) Before mom's diagnosis we accepted an offer on the house in Santa Monica and being that this is a shit market, and it's a good offer, we have decided to move forward. We have identified a building in Basalt to buy as an office and a studio. And on July 15th when we close on this house we will move into a house that we are going to rent for 6 months or so. Meanwhile the front apartment in my building is coming up, so we will renovate that and when that is done they will move in there.

Sound easy enough right?

Honestly its the best thing. It is long past time to downsize, and mom can lie in bed and think about moving and packing and what furniture will go where (which is her favorite thing to do) instead of wondering if some random pain in her foot is a worsening of her condition.... she is thinking about the future and getting better. Because she knows that even though we will do a good job in moving her, she knows she had better hurry up and get better, else leave the decorating to us!

As for now, we are in a waiting period. Just taking the Tarceva (the chemo) and waiting until the 29th of this month when we go in and have our big doctors appointment. We get blood work, a new cat scan, and another dose of Zometa (the bone strengthening drug).

So if you are one of the people that has offered to help or wants to help or whatever, I have a job for you:

Send your serious good vibes to us on the 29th. We need all the love and light and positivity and other new agey hocus pocus voodoo shit we can get... that scan is gonna tell us so much. With any luck the tumors will have shrunk, and in the words of Dr Natale, "if this drug works, we are home free".

So heres to freedom.

Thanks all for the support,

until next time, as always, we will remain,

the carters.

ps: I attached a sketch dad did last week.

STRANGE SIDE EFFECT

5/14/07


bizarrely,the radiation has must have been more powerful than we anticipated....

Hope you all had a nice mothers day.

We are doing just fine over here!

We go to see the doctor today, so when I have more news to report, I will.

Much love

Chase.

CHEMO ROUND ONE

Hello to all our incredibly supportive and caring friends,

Today was our first round of Chemo and I am very pleased to report that it all went remarkably well. We spent several hours at The out-patient Cancer Center at Cedars Sinai. We were there from about 8am to 5pm. We had a private room, with a TV and a DVD player and mom was in a bed (as opposed to a recliner chair which is what most chemo patients are in). It was actually, a totally pleasant experience. We watched a couple of movies in our fancy room, I did the morning shift, Dad and Nikky came for the afternoon shift... it was relatively pleasant.

And so mom actually felt better today... the side effects (if and when we get them) will happen in the next few days... hair will fall out in the next few weeks... but right now she feels great. She is as peppy and happy as I have seen her in weeks. Which, is really welcome because we had a pretty hard weekend- a lot of pain, anxiety about today, nervousness, and non stop, serious head aches. I wouldn't say that the pain as any worse than it's been for a while, it's just that the consistency is unrelenting. And THAT is the rub. Imagine- having a stiff neck and a head ache for three months straight. It's getting pretty old, and she has just about had enough.

That being said, as I write this now, she is sitting up with Dad, Carter and Nikky, not in pain, and downright agreeable. We are enjoying tonight.

One thing I want to tell you all, because a lot have people have been asking, is that we ARE seeing a nutritionist, and we are on tons of supplements and she IS doing a protein shake. She is also seeing a acupuncturist several times a week. Dr Ha is his name. We love Dr Ha. He is a Chinese acupuncturist that is amazing- he makes mom feel so much better. He is like a human fortune cookie- he says the greatest things that make us smile...

The main thing that we are dealing with right now is that her neck still hurts like a mother fucker. And it's not just her neck. The stiff neck causes a headache, and so she gets in bed to relieve the headache and she gets a stiff back and then she tries to take a walk to relive the back and that makes her headache worse, and it goes on and on and on, and all she can do, literally, is stay in bed. And, if you know my mom, you can imagine why that just doesn't work for her. And so, it's painful, and obviously frustrating.

Her further frustration is, that she wants to get physical therapy, because, before the cancer diagnosis PT (Physical Therapy) was the only thing that gave her any relief. But since we discovered the tumor, we have not been (at doctors advising) doing PT. Claudette is (as many of you know she can be) CONVINCED that PT will help and she will tell just about any doctor or nurse she can get her hands on all about how right she is and how wrong all her doctors are. (which they probably are but I tend to agree with the people with degrees...)

But Claudette, as she always has, knows what is best for herself- and I am pretty sure that she will get her way in the end- even if we have smack a few doctors around to do so.

But thats what we love about her isn't it?

Other than all of that- the move is on- we have one of 11 rooms packed. Good god. Angela Foster is coming this week and I am looking forward to giving Dad and I some quiet time before the real shit hits the proverbial fan. Tate, the cats and I are moving back home for now- and hopefully mom will be strong enough, soon enough so we don't have to move back in. (not that its bad here, but home is always home).

And so.

We will keep you posted- people always say cancer sucks, it's brutal and long, it's a fight, and you have your good days and your bad days.

And I guess I never knew what that meant. I mean, how could I? But its true. All of it.

But the support helps. And we know the treatment is working now, and that helps. And the good days help, and so does all your friendship.

So thank you.

Till next time,

as you already know,

we will remain,

The Carters.

ps- Attached is what dad made this week.

CLAUDETTE #2

5/3/07

Hi All-

Thanks to everyone who has been sending flowers, emails ,phoning in, mailing ,coming by etc etc. All the support has been really overwhelming and much appreciated. Claudette wants you all to know how much she is touched by this outpouring of love. It has helped us build a great positive vibe around here! Hope you all will excuse the mass emailing of this info but it's impossible to call everyone individually given the numbers of people who want to know how Claudette is doing. So....

To update every one from the last email, Claudette continues to feel better each day. Of course some days are better than others and we will surley have our share of fucked up, miserable days ahead. All your support helps us get thru these times.

The last of the 10 Radiation treatments was yesterday (Wed 4-2) They have apparently helped her quite a bit because her pain has become much less, much more manageable and the Vicodin much more palatable. She is really alert, lucid, mobile and thinking clearly. (She is already thinking and planning real estate deals! Yikes.)

We had a very good meeting with Dr. Ronald Natale at the Outpatient Cancer Center at Cedars Sinai on Monday. He had been highly recommended to us by a number of folks as the outstanding Lung Cancer specialist in SO CAL. We wanted to get his opinion on her treatment. We were really impressed with him. He spent a lot of time with us and seems to really be on the front lines of treating Lung Cancers. Just as important, he is a nice guy and easy to talk to and is a good listener etc etc. We just feel right with him. So we have started his recommended treatment plan which is somewhat non- standard in design. He has treated many women who have the same disease profile as Claudette. That is, she has a rare type of non-small cell adeno carcinoma that is not smoking related that had spread and she had not had any other chemo treatments before meeting with him. Coincidentally this fit the profile of a class of patients he has had a lot of experience with.

She started taking a drug monday: Tarceva. Which is normally a second line chemo treatment but he has had great success using this immediately in cases like Claudette's as a first line treatment. She will take this for a month and then get re-scanned and we will see where we are. Additional chemo might be necessary or not. There are some side effects with this drug but losing hair or great fatigue are not one of them.

She will also get an intravenous infusion of a drug called Zometa, later today that will help rebuild the damaged C1 vertebrate that has caused all the pain and mobility problems with the neck. We need to get that stabilized asap so this will help do that along with Calcium/D etc.

Next up we will be talking to a few practitioners of more eastern thinking medicines acupuncture and dietary programs designed to help minimize the effects of the Chemo and all the drugs. She is very anxious to get with someone with that knowledge of healing to help her get thru this. We have several recommendations we are considering at this point.

We'd like to thank everyone who has sent along names and info for Doctors and Healers for us to research. There have been a lot, and while it is all a bit overwhelming to sift thru to find the one that are a good fit- we sincerely appreciate all the support.

At the moment she is having a little nap. We just had some lunch and she took her mid day meds. (her appetite has been good so far). We re-sorted all the flowers a little earlier- making new arrangements, to keep the flowers around as long as we can- they are all so beautiful! We had a walk around the block this morning, and took a brief drive to look at a couple of properties this afternoon.

All things considered we are doing really well and taking excellent care of each other.

A special thanks to all our local friends who have been bringing dinner by for us each night. It's such a treat to be loved so much.

So thank you all, and know that we will be in touch again soon.

Much love, and until next time we will remain,

the carters.

CLAUDETTE

4-28-07

Hello all,

my apologies for the group email- but given the amount that everyone loves my mother- you can imagine how many emails and calls we have received in these past few weeks.

Firstly I would like tho thank you all for your phone calls and emails, and flowers and cards- the support has been overwhelming to say the least and we feel so loved and supported- I cannot tell you.

I am happy to report that my mom is doing great. (all things considered of course). Last week was so white hot in it's intensity. Hearing such horrible news, and having mom go from so so capable to literally, incapacitated, was as shocking as if she had been hit by a bus. One day she was walking around, complaining of a minor cough and a stiff neck, and the next day she was so drugged she was slurring her words and unable to stand. To say we were blind-sided is putting it mildly. I don't think I will ever understand how someone as healthy and strong willed as my mother could contract cancer... the odds seem unfathomable.

We checked into the hospital on Monday morning the 16th of April because the pain in her neck got too overwhelming to take. We were there 8 days. Let me tell you, the hospital totally sucks. It's loud and bright and just fucking miserable- even thought there were great doctors and nice nurses and all of that- its a shit place to spend your days- and it is no wonder to me that since my mother has gotten home- she has improved ten fold.

the basic situation is this:

she was diagnosed with advanced (stage 4) lung cancer. she has a tumor in her left lung and one in her neck. the one in her neck is what is causing her all the pain, and the one in her lung is causing the cough... the prognosis is very unclear. We are waiting to see how she reacts to radiation- and then to chemotherapy. Our hope is that the radiation will relive some of the pain, and the chemo will actually shrink and hopefully kill the bastard little tumors. But no one knows how the tumors will react, and we are still unclear whether we will also do some experimental treatments as well... We are going to two more doctors this week to get 2nd opinions. All we can do at this point is take one day at a time. What a lesson in being in the present. My god.

She began radiation last week- and we are already seeing the improvement. She is much more mobile, and is on far less strong pain pills (only my mother would downgrade herself from dylodin, to oxycontin to vicodin within 5 days...). Her appetite is good, and she is finally starting to feel and look so so much better.

We reorganized the house so that we have one of those automatic beds in the tv room- just about one of the stylist at home hospital rooms i've ever seen- (she is just off her bed and bathroom for those that know the house). And her sister, my Aunt Lois arrived to cook, clean and nurse mama back to health. What a blessing I love that woman! Yesterday i knew mom was feeling better because she stared bossing me around- "those hydrangeas need water, you have to water them every day..." hmmmm- i think someone is feeling more like her old self.

More than anything- the best thing that has happened since we got home is that she has begun to realize that she WILL get better, and there IS a chance she can beat this, and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

And that is due very much to all of you who have kept calling and writing and supporting her. I think she realized yesterday that with that many people pulling for her- there is no way that that much positivity can't work. Add she's right.

So thank you all for the unconditional support- keep sending the good vibes this way- it's working.

I will keep you posted from time to time our love to all of you, from all of us,

till next time, we will remain

the carters.